On Tracing Our Scars, And Telling Our Secrets
"It is important to tell our secrets too because it makes it easier for other people to tell us a secret or two of their own . . . ” ~Frederick Buechner
The other morning I woke up with my hand across my abdomen. Beneath my index finger I felt the small but distinct rock-hard bump of a scar left behind from a surgery I had in June. This scar is one of several that form a sort of constellation around my belly, around the place where four human heartbeats once raced like wild horses, beating their way around a track. These small still-pink bumps were the portals through which robotic arms reached in and did their best work, removing the source of months of unending pain, removing the very first home my babies ever knew, when they stretched their budding limbs and hiccuped in the hidden place of my body.
My surgery wasn’t a secret—I’d asked for prayers on social media, which is akin to shouting it from a bullhorn. And the response of friends and family wasn’t a secret—the meals arrived on my doorstep in generous supply.
People knew.
You showed up.
It was not a private recovery.
But there were things I’d kept back (there always are, there always must be). There were moments of hidden desolation that warped my response to pain, that made me question the goodness of the God I claim owns my heart. Recovery revealed secret places I’d yet to surrender, places so hidden, that they only surfaced when suffering rooted them out, the way a tiger chases its prey from the safety of the underbrush.
These secrets surfaced inconveniently, as I reclined in the forced-rest of recovery, while I was trying to keep a brave face to those serving me.
In the meditative hours that define recovery, my secret caught up with me. A painful revelation: God is the obstacle I am always trying to overcome. I want to be all-capable. I don’t want to need help.
“It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are—even if we tell it only to ourselves—because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing. It is important to tell our secrets too because it makes it easier that way to see where we have been in our lives and where we are going. It also makes it easier for other people to tell us a secret or two of their own, and exchanges like that have a lot to do with what being a family is all about and what being human is all about.” ~Frederick Buechner
My constant wrestling is rooted in some fallen effort to overcome the One who overcame all for me. But if I were to win this wrestling match, it would mean that I have, in fact, lost everything that matters in this life (and after).
“ So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.” (Genesis 32:24)
The other day I was listening to a podcast—and forgive me, I cannot remember which one (a symptom of having too much), I was reminded that after the wrestling match, when God re-named Jacob, Israel, the name means “ One who wrestles with God”. God didn’t condemn Jacob for wrestling, He blessed Him. The struggle became part of His name.
I know this story well, I’ve been limping for years. Yet, reading it again, I found new comfort in it. I am coming to believe that God not only welcomes the wrestling, but that perhaps at times, He encourages us to get in the dirt with Him. Not because He’s a brute eager to flex His muscles (He is not!), but because He knows that it’s there in the tussle, that our faith-muscles will be flexed and strengthened. It’s there with our faces in the dirt, with sweat beading on our brow, that we will SEE Him like we’ve always wanted to but never been able when we’ve kept Him at arms-length.
My abdominal “constellation” reminds me that scars are not all bad. They are they are evidence of wounds and proof of healing.
It turns out that our best gifts are not the ones that fall out of the sky without effort. We tend to forget about those, actually. No, the things we treasure, the gifts that we don’t forget, are the ones we’ve only found when we’ve gotten low in the dust with God and pressed Him for the blessing.
“But Jacob replied, ‘I will not let you go unless you bless me.’” (Genesis 30:26)
I’ve felt a little guilty for the ways I continue to wrestle out my faith. I’ve wondered if I’m jus being stubborn, or ornery. I am, after all, a middle child… But surrender is hard. and some of us are going to come at it the hardest way we can. There’s no use pretending that we’re not going to get a little dirty or scraped up in the process. Faith is a gift some of us will receive only when we’ve gotten close to the edges. And of course, God is there too—at the edges.
Buechner says that in telling our secrets we can see where we’ve been, and where we’re going. Our scars remind us. And when we’re brave enough to show them to others, when we’re willing to share a secret or two, they might find in our honesty, an invitation to admit that they’re wrestling too—to admit that things aren’t all as they seem—that there’s a story beneath the surface story. That perhaps, they too have found themselves on the edge.
And you can say, me too, and you know Who else is there?
“So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, ‘It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.’” (Genesis 30:30)
“So when God calls you to wrestle with him in prayer, it is an invitation to receive his blessing. Stay with him and don’t give up. Do not let him go until he blesses you! He loves to bless that kind of tenacious faith and you will come out transformed.” (Jon Bloom (1))
Amen.
A FEW GOOD READS
My book stack right now is full of so much goodness I can barely stand it. I am reminding myself to give thanks for the wealth of treasure here, rather than lament the time constraints of my schedule that prevent me from inhaling these books quickly and all at once.
Top to bottom:
For All Who Wander by Robin Dance (I’m a few chapters in and truly loving this book.)
The Book Of Waking Up by Seth Haines (Oh man. This book…just read it.)
A Prayer For Orion by Katherine James ( I just received this one and haven’t started it yet but I am chomping at the bit to crack the binding on it!)
The Blue Parakeet by Scot McNight (This came highly recommended from a trusted source so I am in!)
Handle With Care by Lore Wilbert (I am on Lore’s launch team and taking my time reading this one. It is challenging in the best kind of ways.)
On The Road With Saint Augustine by James K. A. Smith (This was a Christmas gift and ohmygoodness, I love it so much.)
What are you reading these days?
ALSO ON MY STACKS (WINK)
My upcoming book, Everything Is Yours is in its final (!!) proofing stage. The last endorsement landed in my inbox yesterday and it’s off to the printers—here’s a sneak peek at what people are saying…
“Having recently come kicking and screaming through my own season of surrender, I can assure you that Kris Camealy writes the unvarnished truth in this book without sugarcoating words, without tiptoeing around the topic and without coddling her reader. Instead she boldly confronts both the pain and promise of surrender with refreshing candor and authenticity, confidently leading the reader through the labyrinth of spiritual transformation toward true freedom…” ~Michelle DeRusha, author of True You: Letting Go of Your False Self to Uncover the Person God Created
“Everything is Yours is not a book I thought I needed to read. However, a few short pages in, I found it a book I wanted to read and, despite my initial impression, desperately needed to. It’s a humbling thing to find oneself convicted, yet gently and lovingly named on page after page of reading. Such is a good book that evokes tears and prayers…” ~Laura J. Boggess, author of Playdates with God: Having a Childlike faith in a Grown-Up World
I can’t wait to share more with you SOON!
WHAT I’M LISTENING TO
Tree of Life Series from The Bible Project (So good, and fascinating!)
Girls Talking Life Podcast (Girls Talking Life is a podcast designed to encourage women by sharing real stories and refreshing ideas to stir your soul.)
Fight Hustle End Hurry Podcast (More confirmation of what our souls already know. Good stuff.)
The Stories Between Us Podcast (I love how real and inviting Shawn and Maile are in their conversations.)
MY FAVORITE PLACE ON THE INTERNET
While I will admit that as a regular contributor I am completely biased, it is also true that The Cultivating Project is one of the most life-giving places to spend real time on the internet. Nevermind scrolling Instagram and Facebook. Reading Cultivating is like a slow exhale ( I literally just exhaled as I typed this). The newest issue is out and it is exquisite. Yesterday I pulled it up on my iPad and made a fresh cup of coffee in my purple galaxy mug and sat there reading for a good hour. When I came away from reading to make dinner, I felt lighter and more hopeful—the theme this issue is REST and oh man, every single article, poem and recipe is like it’s own golden nugget of soul-goodness. I’ve linked a few here, I hope you’ll spend some time with these and this one—and so many others you’ll discover there. Make a cup of something warm, find a quiet corner and let these words minister to you.
On that note…
Happy weekend, friends. I hope you take some time to REST, READ, and REFLECT. I’d love to hear what God is showing you these days, and if you need a friend in the wrestling, I volunteer as tribute.
As always, feel free to hit “reply” to this email. I’m slow but I do reply. ;)
With joy,
Kris Camealy