Staring Out A Window At A Snowy Yard
And other reflections on the end of one year and the beginning of another.
This article won’t promise any of that “New year, New you” business, and I give no credence to the notion of “manifesting” one’s desired destiny. This one’s for the grace-hungry beggars, who know that Mary Oliver was right when she wrote, “things take the time they take.” Easy answers are snake oil peddled by an economy obsessed with instant gratification, and suffering from an allergy to accepting that there are realities beyond our control.
By mid-December, we wondered if a proper winter might skirt past us, but New Year’s day, the weather alerts buzzed through our phones and the snow began to fall, and fall, and fall. Snow is what I mean when I say, “a proper winter,” because for years my kids refused to believe that winter was winter if there was no snow.
I drove through the whitening in the middle of the night to meet my son’s bus, upon his return from an out of town trip. By the time my wheels hit our driveway at 3:50AM, I thanked God for safety and the warmth of my bed. I could now attest to the fact that I would literally drive through a blizzard for one of my children. Of course this has always been true but now I have receipts!
I’d been planning for days to release a New Year’s podcast episode, write an article, and share my book list from 2024. I wanted to recap all the things but life had other plans and my days filled with other things more important—hanging with my nearly-grown kids, having coffee with my husband, meeting a friend for dinner, making food to feed my people, walking the dog, reading books, digging through the endless laundry, and most recently, catching some random virus. All my best-laid plans fell away in the wake of regular, glorious, wildly quotidian LIFE.
While I don’t set resolutions, I do make a few intentions for the New Year, and old and passé as the practice may now be, I do still choose a Word-for-the-Year.
This year, I chose two words because, (1) I can, and (2) because it seems that one requires the other. What the Lord hath united let no man put asunder.
There’s no decent way to summarize 2024 except to say that it was a whole ride. I mean, it actually was. I spent most of it behind the wheel of my van (hello, mom of two teenage, non-driving daughters), though I did not feel as if I were in fact in the drivers seat. I was in so many ways, along for the ride. I held a lot of questions in my heart last year and hoped that, in the cracks of my days as a underpaid, and under-appreciated taxi driver, they would somehow be resolved as the miles ticked up. So it’s embarrassingly honest to admit that I was mildly disappointed to wake up January 1 no closer (it seems) to having any of them answered.
From my desk chair right now, I can see the snow falling on the driveway, as if to say, look here lady, winter has at last arrived.
I tell a friend on January 3 or 4 that I was, sheepishly, and legitimately a little disappointed to have woken up the same person I was when I went to bed on New Year’s eve. I have so many intentions—none of them frivolous—and so badly want to see them reflected in the ways I interact with the world. I know that’s not how it works, that good, even holy intentions take time, and we do not arrive at them by crossing ourselves in bed and waking up 8 hours later (if we’re so lucky) as a new person. Redemption takes a long time. Maybe a lifetime.
The truth is that small changes are often imperceptible at first. And it’s also true that we don’t see what we don’t pay attention to, and we can’t change what we don’t see, and, that lasting change takes intention. This is how I landed on my 2-words for the year. There are changes I want to make in myself, in my life, in my work, and it will take three things, attention, time and intention. (God’s help is understood and thusly not counted among the required ingredients.)
Author,
makes a year-end list highlighting what worked, and what didn’t for her, and her New Year’s list sparked my own thoughts as I’ve worked to review the last year. I’m borrowing from her and making my own lists.
What Didn’t Work In 2024
Not planning better for the fullness of my days.
My schedule is…full. This is not so much a complaint as it is the recognition that it is a season-of-life thing. In the past I have been more on the ball with my meal planning/grocery shopping/errand running, but 2024 had me making too many unscheduled trips to the store for this or that thing because nearly every trip was unscheduled. <sigh> I am a maker but I have really needed a manager’s schedule and that is not my strong suite. Not planning better did not work for me.
Social media hours (as in, too many!!).
In some seasons I have been very disciplined about taking hard-stops from consuming social media. For a number of “justifiable” reasons, I took less breaks this year and I feel the effects of that. And I don’t like it. Not taking regular, extended breaks from social media did not work for me.
Not working on a specific project.
I have a list of projects that I want to work on, and there are a couple in particular that are haunting me, but for a number of reasons, I did not work on one of them and ended the year disappointed about this. Not being more strategic about butt-in-chair-time last year feels like a bit of a failure.
Rehashing old wounds.
The work of untangling painful experiences is good (and I would argue, necessary) work, but when it tips into ruminating and what-ifing, it can quickly become unhealthy. 2024 seemed to be a year hemmed in by a rehashing that I am determined to leave behind in 2025.
What Did Work in 2024
Audio books & Podcasts.
Being on the go so much and spending untold hours waiting on people gave me time to listen when I could not have my laptop with me to work. I was only able to reach & exceed my reading goal for 2024 because of audio. I discovered that I can remember more than I thought I could, despite not being an audible learner.
Fasting regularly in community.
In my small Bible study group, we read a book on fasting and then committed to fasting once a week together for a few months and it was transformative. I am carrying this spiritual practice with me into 2025. This was not my first time practicing fasting, but it had been a long time since I’d been intentional about it, and longer since I had joined with others in the habit.
Making art weekly.
I set out to create my Artist’s Deck over the 52 weeks of 2024 and managed to finish it just as the year ended. The practice required me to be intentional about making room for creating art in my week, and the experience was joyful and generative in more ways than I can say here. I am returning to another creative practice this year and look forward to prioritizing it.
Long summer morning walks.
I walk every day, but nearly every morning during the summer months I walked/jogged anywhere between 3-5 miles and it was in a word, glorious. When I injured my back in September and had to stop walking/jogging while I recovered, I lost a lot of ground physically and struggled to get a routine going again once school started. Those longer summer walks will be happening again in 2025, and I am hoping to start sooner, rather than waiting for the summer.
The slow purge.
We’ve lived in our current home for nearly 9 years and the amount of stuff we have accumulated is not working for me. What is working for me is doing a slow purge one cabinet/closet/shelf/drawer at a time. I don’t have time to do a whole room at once, but I can clean out one drawer while I wait for the water to boil, or clean out one closet while listening to an audiobook. Breaking this momentous task down into bite-sized pieces not only reminds me that it can be done, but actually makes me want to see how much I can get done while I wait for the pasta to cook.
There are a great many more things that worked for me in 2024, but these are the top ones that come to mind as I look back on the year. 2024 brought a lot of change in with it, and many of those changes are still unfolding. I’m entering this New year hopeful, curious, and honestly?— a bit weary. I’m paying attention to what feels wearying, and working intentionally to either, make peace with what is, or make changes where I have the agency to do so. I’m holding some long dreamed dreams in my arms this season, and I hope (oh, I pray!) that the time is not far off when I can share them a little more widely. For today, I will get back in the van and drive to the next place. I promise, I’m paying attention.
Hello, first-timer here. This was so good for me to hear (you reading). Much of what is on both of your lists hit home to me. Thank you for honest sharing.
So glad to be able to hear your voice reading your words here, Kris!