The Odds Are Not In Our Favor

On Twenty-Five Years of Marriage

The winter before I got married, my college roommate and her boyfriend (now husband) ran around our college town with an old fashioned camcorder asking random strangers if they had any advice for her friend (me) who was getting married that summer.

What I remember most from the video¹ was the advice from one middle-aged guy outside of the grocery store, who, when asked, “what advice would you give my friend who's getting married?” looked into the camera and said, “Don’t do it.”

Nearly every anniversary I think about that video, and that random guy outside the grocery store. What I think about him and his advice has changed over the years. Initially, I called him a cynic. Bitter. But twenty-five years later, I’m more inclined to call him wounded. Grieved.

To say I knew next to nothing about marriage before getting married is generous. We were twenty-years-old when we married and completely, and utterly clueless about what it takes to nurture a lifetime commitment to another soul.

This is us.

The truth is, I don’t know why that man said what he said. Maybe he was cynical and bitter. Maybe he was wounded and grieved. Perhaps it’s all of that. Maybe it’s none of that. I didn’t know then, and I don’t know now, but I have lived more life and know a little more about why someone might answer that way. I don’t recall the memory to judge him. I think about it because twenty-five years later, in many quadrants of our culture, “don’t do it” is still the prevailing advice of the day.

Our table at dinner last night.

Last night, as I sat across the table from my one-time boyfriend, long-time husband, I thought about what advice I might give, if some young woman came up to me outside my local Kroger, asking for advice for her roommate. I’m loathe to write an article with numbered lists in it, but today I’m going to share twenty-five things I’ve learned (mostly the hard way) in twenty-five years of marriage—in no particular order.

Us on a trip without the kids!

Twenty-Five Things for Twenty-Five Years

1. You really are marrying a family. You might think this irrelevant in the moment, but it’s not. For better, or worse.²

2. It’s completely ok to go to bed angry. Some conversations are best had in the morning when you’ve slept and had time to think. And maybe a cup of coffee.

3. Forgiveness is not optional. It is required for making a life with someone.³

4. If you don’t like how someone squeezes the toothpaste tube, buy two tubes.⁴

5. Words of encouragement are important. Say them out loud to each other. Daily.

6. Find something that makes you both laugh and do/watch/experience more of that.

7. Remember that you’re a whole person all on your own. You’re not a half a person walking around needing someone to “complete you”.⁵

8. Never stop learning about each other.

9. Make an effort on your own to keep growing as a person. (Spiritually, emotionally, etc.)

10. Be sincere.⁶

11. Clean up after yourself.

12. Divide the labor of your home according to what works for the two of you. Play to your strengths, even if it means breaking family-of origin molds.

13. Discuss plans/hopes/dreams about growing your family before getting married.

14. Remember every day, that you are on the same team. Root for each other. Fight for each other.⁷

15. Offer help, but don’t nag.⁸

16. Share as many activities together as you can, and let each other have those things that are just theirs.⁹

17. Pray for each other.

18. Say “I love you” and mean it, even when it’s hard.

19. When you need help, get help.

20. Stay curious¹⁰ about one another.

21. Compromise. Be willing to surrender your wants for the sake of the other.¹¹

22. Listen to each other. Listen to hear.

23. Have those things that are just yours (together) that you don’t share with the outside world.

24. Eat together as often as possible.

25. Prioritize each other. Before friends, before hobbies, before jobs—before nearly everything except God.

I am no expert. There are a hundred more little lessons I could share that I’ve learned mostly by doing what ought not to be done. All these years in, I know I (we) are still learning how to love each other well. We are changing. Seasons of life change. New situations bring new feelings and layers along with them that have to be navigated. We have four nearly-grown kids. Parenting in marriage presents its own unique invitations for disagreement and compromise. We are not experts at marriage, but we are pretty good at navigating each other, and most days that’s enough.

Last night we toasted to 25 more. May God be so generous.

What would you add to this list?

1. Because you’ll ask—no—I have no idea where that video ended up. I haven’t seen it since the night I watched it at my impromptu bridal shower in our dorm’s common area.

2. This doesn’t mean so many things, but it does mean that you will have to navigate the complications, idiosyncrasies, and relational situations of another family.

3. There are a thousand caveats to add to this but the summation is to educate yourself on what forgiveness is, and what it isn’t.

4. This isn’t only about toothpaste.

5. Movies are typically the worst at giving marital/romantic advice (Ref. Jerry Maguire & Love Story.) Talk to people older than you who’ve had lasting marriages instead. Love does not mean “never er having to say you’re sorry.” Real love perfects the art of a genuine apology.

6. Sincerity may be a rarity in our society, but it belongs in a marriage. Look up what it actually means. Be that.

7. Remembering that we ultimately want the same things, even if we want them differently is a big deal when disagreements arise. Keeping this in mind when having difficult conversations makes finding common ground a little easier.

8. Easier said than done, but still advice worth taking to heart.

9. I trust you don’t need my 1000 caveats to this.

10. When presented with differences, we can be curious or critical. Choose curiosity.

11. 1 Corinthians 13:5